Hodge Podge Salad

Today I'm going to talk about salad. No, not the kind involving greens with some other stuff thrown on top along with a drizzle of dressing. That's not difficult for most people to put together (though it can be very time consuming, depending on what you like to have in your salad). The kind of salad I'm talking about is the kind where you mix together bite-sized ingredients that's held together by mayonnaise (or mayonnaise-like substance). Think potato salad, egg salad, chicken salad, etc.



In fact, I'm currently reading Two for the Road by Jane and Michael Stern, and this is the kind of salad that would fit quite nicely in salad bars in Iowa: "Salad bars in Iowa do not hold a shred of lettuce. Instead they carry things such as multicolored Jell-O, fruits and vegetables slathered with Miracle Whip or sour cream, and chocolate, tapioca, and vanilla puddings."

The recipe I'm sharing today may not look very fancy. It may not sound very fancy. It doesn't even have a name -- my grandmother just called it "salad" -- so I've given it one. But it has the most important quality I look for in food: it's delicious. And it's a dish near and dear to my heart, as it's something my grandmother used to make when I was a little girl. I don't know how she got it into her head to make this, or if she got the recipe from somewhere, but I'm glad she did.

A quick review of the ingredients may turn some people off. Believe me, I'd be one of those people had I not already tried it without any biases. I am specifically referring to, of course, Miracle Whip. Those who don't like mayonnaise-type dressings are already gagging, and even those who DO like mayonnaise are gagging, because a majority of people, I've found, prefer 'real' mayonnaise. In fact, I don't think I have ever heard of anyone stand up for Miracle Whip, and yet the product is still on the shelves, so someone must be buying it.

I am not here to defend Miracle Whip in a general sense. If I'm eating a sandwich or making ranch dressing, or probably 99% of other uses for mayonnaise, I prefer 'real' mayonnaise (homemade, if possible). But I've tried using mayonnaise in this dish. It doesn't work. The resulting product tastes bland, boring, unappetizing. Using Miracle Whip makes it delicious every time. Why that is, I don't know. But it works. And you don't have to fear -- using Miracle Whip in this salad not only transforms the salad, but transforms the Miracle Whip. You don't actually taste the dressing, but the combination of salad ingredients. It's as if you used mayonnaise, but added a few other undefinable seasonings as well. Make this for a potluck. It'll get rave reviews and it'll look so simple that people will go home and try to make it themselves. But somehow it won't taste the same as yours; it won't be the same as yours. And they'll be befuddled, because it's just 4 ingredients and some mayo; what did they do wrong? And only you and I will know that the difference was Miracle Whip.

There was something special about the way my grandmother made it that imitators find difficult to duplicate. I think the secret is its simplicity. My mom tried various ways of 'improving' on it, only to be told that it wasn't as good as grandma's. The ingredients that go into the salad, as well as the way in which they are cooked, are very particular in that they create the perfect texture that this salad is supposed to have. Nothing should stand out. When you're eating it, it should be a mouthful of yummyness, with no single ingredient distinguishing itself from the rest (such as the time my mom tried using raw carrots).

I don't have a precise recipe to share. I make it a little different every time. The quantities of the ingredients you use also depend on personal preference and how much you're making. There are 5 primary ingredients to this salad: ham (the Oscar Mayer kind), eggs, carrots, celery, and the aforementioned Miracle Whip. You can add peas, maybe some corn, maybe finely diced potato, without changing it too much. Anything else and it becomes a different salad entirely. In fact, if you add too much potato, it becomes a glorified potato salad. I recommended just sticking with the 5 primary ingredients for the best flavor and texture.



Now, how to go about putting it all together? Get a large bowl. The ham is the easiest part. All you need to do is chop it up into little bite-sized squares (it's conveniently already in the shape of a square, so I just slice it into rows on the vertical, then the horizontal) and place it in the bowl. The eggs need to be hard boiled. Then they too are sliced into bite-sized pieces and placed in the bowl. Include as much or as little egg yolk as you like. It has great nutritional value, but also a lot of cholesterol. The carrots should be peeled, then boiled to the point that they aren't crunchy anymore, but aren't mushy. They should still give a slight resistance to the tooth. The same goes for the celery. Celery in particular cooks very quickly, so all you need to do with them is basically blanch them for a minute in hot water. Both the carrots and celery should then be diced into -- you guessed it -- bite-sized pieces.

Now scoop out some Miracle Whip and add it to the bowl. (If you MUST use regular mayonnaise, you'll need to add some salt at the very least to bring out the flavor of the salad.) Mix well and add more dressing if needed. Since mayo and its ilk are all calorie fests, I like to add a bit at a time to make sure I'm using the minimum needed to make the salad come together. It shouldn't be gloopy with dressing, but the mixture should be well coated. Here's another important step: put it in the fridge. It will be very tempting to eat it straightaway, but it won't be as good. This salad needs to be given the time for the different flavors to mingle and served cold.

When I told my mom I was making it, she was like, but I thought you didn't really like mayo. And I said, yes, that's true, but I LOVE this salad, I don't know why. And she said, "Well, everybody likes it." That's really all that needs to be said.

Homemade Mayonnaise

I have now made mayonnaise 3 different ways. Quite an accomplishment for someone who doesn't even really like it! Actually, the homemade version tastes pretty darned good. If all mayo tasted like this, maybe I would never have developed an aversion to it!

Most people who like mayo find it to be a flavor enhancer. I've generally found that it does the opposite -- detracts from the other flavors with its goopy texture and unpleasantly mayo flavor (usually because there's too much of it). I do like the way mayo binds ingredients together, such as in chicken/egg/what have you salad, and the occasional sandwich when the person making the sandwich doesn't cake on the mayo -- then it truly serves as an enhancer to food. However, it takes a light touch, which most sandwich makers don't seem to care about (even if you tell them to take it easy on the mayo, they still put on way too much -- it's easier just to nix it entirely. For me, it's better to do without that small bit of enhancement than ruin the whole sandwich with too much mayo). And there's also the health benefits: it packs a lot of extra calories (being made of essentially oil and egg yolk), so why not just do without?

But I consider myself a foodie. And it always rankled a bit that this common condiment was not one that I found enjoyable. What did other people taste that I didn't? I wondered if perhaps, like so many things, it tasted better made fresh at home. Luckily for me, it was an easy experiment. If I failed, not much time or ingredients would be lost. The ingredients to mayo are few and inexpensive, and the process is simple (though very particular).


Egg yolk, apple cider vinegar, salt, and ground mustard ready to be blended. Ignore the fact that they're in a food processor -- pretend it's a blender or a bowl with a whisk, which are better methods.

The first time I made mayo was in a blender. It came together easily, with none of the problems other people online were lamenting about with regard to the emulsification process. The second time was in a food processor. I admit that my food processor is one of those bottom-of-the-line versions, but it has always served me well. However, the lower blade was not close enough to the bottom of the container (which perhaps would not be a problem with a better food processor), so the ingredients -- minus the oil -- weren't being touched at all. In my overconfidence (after all, I'd successfully done it my first time out), I just poured the oil right in, without first getting the yolk well mixed or doing the careful drop-by-drop procedure for the oil. You guessed it: disaster. The mixture didn't emulsify (of course), and was just an oily, yolky mess that was the consistency of water, instead of being creamy like mayo is supposed to be. I didn't feel like dragging my blender out when I already had to clean the food processor, so I opted to try making it by hand -- arguably the most difficult method, but I figured I might as well give it a try.

It came out beautifully. The key is patience -- you can't rush the part where you're introducing the oil to the yolk mixture. All the instructions everywhere for making mayo cautions that you must put in the oil drop by drop for the first 1/3 cup or so, and with good reason. If you hurry this step the ingredients won't emulsify, and instead of mayo you'll have oil + yolk.

The good news is that once I got my second, handmade attempt to successfully turn into mayo, I was able to save the previous disastrous attempt by trickling it into the the already-emulsified mixture, which miraculously turned it all into creamy, glossy mayo. Of course, I ended up with 3 times more mayo than I had originally intended, but the important thing was that I learned quite a bit from the experience. First, for fool-proof mayo made at home, do it in a blender. Second, handmade mayo is possible, it just takes a bit of patience. Third, failed mayo attempts can be salvaged by successfully making another portion of mayo separately, then blending the failed attempt into the successful one.


Creamy, homemade mayo. This is what it looks like when properly emulsified. I added the non-emulsified mixture to this, and it was miraculously fixed.

As far as my experiment goes, I find that I do indeed prefer homemade mayo to any other kind. And sure, it's partly because I can control the amount of mayonnaise that goes into my salads and sandwiches, but it's more than that. I've gotten store-bought mayo before and never thought it actually enhanced my food, so I never used it (usually it was purchased either because I had guests coming over for a meal in which they enjoyed it as a condiment, or because I was making ranch dressing). With homemade mayo, I actually find myself reaching for the jar. There's also the health and nutritional benefits. With homemade mayo, I can ensure that only healthy oils -- such as olive and canola -- are used in the final product.

I should also mention that the first time I made mayo, it was actually aioli -- I added garlic to the yolk in the first step. I'm not sure if it's possible to make true aioli by hand, since it requires the garlic to be well-blended with the mayo, but I suppose you could use crushed garlic, either pressed by hand or from a jar, and it'd probably accomplish the same thing. I definitely recommend aioli over plain mayo, being that I'm a garlic nut. This time, I saved a small portion as plain mayo, and used the rest for ranch dressing.

Now. Are you ready to make your own?

Mayonnaise

Makes about 1/2 cup

Ingredients

• 1 large egg yolk
• 1 tbsp lemon juice (lime juice, white wine vinegar, and apple cider vinegar work as well)
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp ground mustard
• 1/4 cup olive oil
• 1/4 cup canola oil

Method

1. Mix the two oils in a measuring cup or small squeeze bottle -- something with a spout is recommended, as it's easier to control how much oil gets poured that way.
2. Add yolk, lemon juice or vinegar, salt, and ground mustard to a separate bowl or blender.
3. Whisk/blend the yolk mixture until the ingredients are well incorporated and the yolk is glossy, kind of sticky, and bright yellow.
4. Add the oil drop by drop into the yolk mixture, whisking constantly. An extra drop or two is okay, as long as you make sure it's well blended with the yolk before adding any more. You want to keep the mixture in a state of emulsion, and overwhelming the yolk with too much oil too early will ruin it.
5. When you've blended in about 1/3 cup of the oil, it's safe to start trickling in a thin stream of oil, still constantly blending. Stop a few times to make sure the oil you've added has been incorporated before adding more.
6. Keep whisking until the mayo is thick and glossy. Add more oil, up to an additional 1/4 cup, to desired thickness.

Note: I like using a mix of canola and olive oils because one dilutes the flavor of the other, resulting in a mayo that doesn't distinctly taste of one particular oil. You can just use one type of oil if you prefer, or mix and match, and see what combination produces a mayo you like most. You'll just want to keep it to about 1/2 to 3/4 cup of oil per yolk, as that's about the maximum amount of oil that 1 large egg yolk can bind.

You can also use an electric hand mixer if you don't want to whisk it by hand. It's not quite as foolproof as using a blender, though.

Mayo can also be made with whole eggs instead of just the egg yolk, producing a lighter, whiter mayo. You'll need to adjust the other ingredients accordingly to accommodate the extra egg.